God's Pottery

Life Questions With God's Pottery

Along the winding path of life, everyone now and again will trip over a problem with which they need help. We call these "Life Questions." While it's always good to turn to Jesus, sometimes it can be useful in addition to ask a peer for guidance or advice. Though we're not trained professionals, we feel we have a pretty good sense of the difference between right and wrong. If you have a Life Question for us, please email us at gplifequestions@gmail.com and we will try to help you. All identities will be kept confidential (as below), and all issues raised will be handled with our customary compassion and flair.

Q: If Jesus died on "Good Friday", why is it called "Good Friday"?
-Bill, New York

A: Dear Bill,
Bill, that's a “good” question. Good Friday was a terrible day, a day that forever has lived in infamy. But there is a flip side, like with a quarter or half-dollar: how could Jesus return to us as he is now if he hadn't died? A good analogy is Ben (OB-1) Kenobi from Star Wars--he challenged Darth Vader to "strike me down and I shall be more powerful than you, more powerful than ever. Go ahead." That provided us with an even more powerful and influential character for the end of Star Wars One and during the two sequels that followed. And we're no Siskel and Ebert, but that pivotal scene from Star Wars could perhaps have been called "Good Battle." (Get it?)
-Gideon and Jeremiah

Q: I am a happily married 30 year old man with an 11 month old daughter named Mary. (Named after the Blessed Mother). I am very nervous. The wife and I are thinking of creating another child possibly by 2007. What if we have another girl? We have already named our first daughter the holiest name ever. How can we top that? If we have a girl, will she feel shame that we have used the "best" name on her sister? Do you have any recommendations of names for a girl? I don't want to screw this up and have this child revert to drugs and alcohol. Thank you and God Bless.
-George K.

A: Dear George,
What a great question! And congratulations on being at such a rich time in your life—it’s the blessed and thoughtful man who is plagued by problems such as yours.

Now to your problem: you could do what a lot of young parents do these days, and "make up" a name, like "LaBrainian" or "Vente" or "Grimbo"--that scores points for originality and lets your daughter know you love her. Or perhaps try an alternate spelling of Mary? (Marey? Meiry? Mare?)

Also you could go with one of the popular “now” names like Britney, Madison, or Gretchen. A name such as one of these would boost her playground confidence for sure!
Another option would be to hope for a boy--and we're pretty sure that the two guys upstairs would listen pretty carefully if you were to promise to name the baby "Jesus," like Mexicans do.
-Gideon and Jeremiah

Q: 1) What causes lightning and thunder?

2) What's God's preference, synthetic or natural fibers?

3) Why does a righteous God allow evil in the universe?

4) Is it possible to naturally increase my penis by 4 to 6 inches?
-Adam K, Queens

A: Dear Adam,

First off, great questions! We love to hear from Christians with multiple questions/worries--shows you’re “doing your work.”*

1) Lightning and thunder are caused by air particles conflicting with sound waves in a sky battle. Many religions consider these elements to be sent from the “gods,” but that’s not correct. God will more often communicate through weeping statues, snacks, or childbirth.

2) While God appreciates progress, he still would always opt for a natural cotton or wool to a rubber/vinyl or polyester suit. He’s “old fashioned” like that.

3) The greatest dams in the world are the Grand Coulee, the Hoover, and the Aswan. They all leak, and you have to wonder, is that an accident? Think about that, and if you’re still concerned with evil in God’s world, get back to us.

4.) A penis will naturally increase by 4 to 6 inches during an erection. Wait for the right time, Adam.

Thanks for your questions!
-Gideon and Jeremiah

*Studying, considering

Q: Is bluffing the same as lying?
-Mason A., Boston

A: Dear Mason,
We assume you're talking about card playing, and that's a problem already. Once you've stepped into the Devil's hut, it doesn't matter if you're lying or telling the truth—it's all Bad News, brother. However, to answer your question, there is an important difference in card playing between bluffing and lying. "Bluffing" is making bets that would lead other players to assume that you might have a better hand than in truth you do have. "Lying" is refusing to turn over your cards at the end of the hand while insisting you have a straight flush or other such successful hand, when in truth you have a pair of 4's. We hope this gives you guidance. But PLEASE! Watch yourself. Remember: gamblers always lose (money/soul/etc.).
-Gideon and Jeremiah

Q: Dear GP,
I was unintentionally abstinent in high school, and despite my best effort to sin in college, I only engaged in pre-marital intercourse a couple times. Will these low numbers earn me any extra credit in the entrance exam to the Kingdom of Heaven?
-Chris F., Vermont

A: Dear Chris,
First off, we applaud your academic career—study is the gateway to learning. We have to question, however, whether your high-school abstinence was really "unintentional." There was clearly a very intentional decision made by someone who cares about you very much (Jesus) to keep you pure and safe from temptation. Sadly, it seems that in college you may have turned away from His protective shepherdry in favor of lust and sin, which only yield bitter crop andfallow fields. Your sinning, however small, is NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF! Keep studying, and work on achieving an advanced degree in Chastity.
-Gideon and Jeremiah